This is a question I’d have to ask myself while down on my knees praying to God. It was rhetorical, but I kinda needed an answer. I’d prayed that God would get me through the tough parts of marriage. The part that no one tells you about, the part that isn’t pretty lace and bows. The something old, is the childish games that get played by you and your spouse, where no one wins. The something new, is you, in the mirror trying to figure out who you’ve become. While wondering will your favorite eyeshadow cover that bruised eye. The something borrowed sometimes is your faith; that we are going to make it. It isn’t about the baby’s first steps. It is the waiting for your husband to come home knowing he’s been gone too long and up to no good. Its the puffy eyes and tear stained t-shirts because you ran out of tissues.
Unsaved by a Savior
We default to the narrative that men of the world have to be
sinners who are without honor; without a moral compass. They can’t
possibly know right from wrong because they aren’t ‘saved’.
Yet, I’ve come to learn that men of faith sometimes have the moral compass of a merry go round.
They seem to always be trying to turn they life around, but it’s anchored in the
same spot. Repeating the same mistakes. Every Sunday begging for forgiveness at the alter full of shame and disappointment. And we the women close enough to see the flaws have to love them through the journey.
I was bitter and broken because of a man of God. When you lose faith
in God’s people it is difficult to separate the man from his faith. You wonder what I did that God would allow this.
Because faith is what we are taught to believe is what makes a man
great. But I’m starting to believe that it is the foundation of a good
man, but faith without works is dead. And if a man believed in God his
actions should at some point align with the word of God. Right??
I felt like I married someone who knew God in name only. Its like you don’t know how your grandmother had the strength to live through so much, because you don’t understand her faith. Its only until you experience more life you “keep living” to understand. I didn’t understand how someone who ‘should’ know better didn’t do better.
I had to look back over the boyfriends I’d had in my years. The guys
who were Church going, suit wearing, ‘believers’ were the exact people
who treated me poorly. There was more honor among the thieves. The
So called ungodly were honest, flawed, yet fair. The love of my life didn’t believe in every Sunday worship, but to this day has more honor and integrity than an entire pew of Church folk.
Those who pray and prey
Many women are sold a story of all the good men know how to pray or go to church.
The truth is that all the single women filling the pews each Sunday
see men in church as their saving grace. The musicians are treated
like Prince, many black Pastors think they’re TD Jakes and often want to
be treated as such. And often instead of teaching the principles of our God. They pretend to be above those principles to become drunk with power in a place that can be so insignificant and a far cry from their weekly worldly life.
I was looking for God in my home and because we didn’t ‘agree’ God
wasn’t there. During a car ride with my ex-husband I asked, did you pray for me when we were married? His response floored me. “No.”
I mean, I prayed all the time for him. His goals, that God would lead him. That he would see my efforts were for our family. That he would stop lying and cheating. I prayed for him more than I prayed for myself.
A good Christian wife praying for God to fix something that was fundamentally irreparable. I was building a house with duck tape. It’s strong as hell, but the wrong tool for the job.
I finally jumped to save my life and the lives of my children. I was in the titanic of marriage, and we’d hit the ultimate iceberg. The pain of staying was greater than the choice to leave.
I asked for a divorce, because I needed to find God.